最醜陋的美德
我的努力。
我很努力，那是別人告訴我的。我的同學，家人，老師，他們都這樣說。從中四那年開始，開始了我努力的生涯。完成中學生涯所花的努力，對我自己來說是蠻高興的，一來算是有點成績，二來，我終於可以開始進軍我理想的設計科了。讀設計的兩個年頭裡，我也持續地努力著，從開學那天，直到兩年後完成課程的那天，我很少鬆懈過。這種努力非常有效，我的畢業成績相當不錯，拿獎了，這是我出生以來除了操行獎之外第一次拿到跟成績有關係的獎，也因此讓我買到了理想工作的入場卷。可是，非常奇怪，這次我竟然不覺得快樂。
因為某天，我突然想起了我努力的原因，「因為我非常喜歡設計」？「因為我本來是個努力的人」？ 全都不是，我想起的原因竟是：我想報仇。你大概會小震驚一下，會的，因為連我，也被自己突然推敲出這個答案而震驚了。
記得初中時，常常被欺負， 成績不好，又不會侍人處事，落得被人杯葛欺凌的下場。後來，一直被親戚朋友看不起，更慘是連累家人被他們恥笑。然後我想糟了，覺得只要自己是弱勢社群就免不了被人玩弄的下場，於是，想要超脫現狀的慾望一手促成我努力的心態，想要變得更好，更強，要讓所有看不起我的人趺眼鏡。如此，轉眼間就渡過了我的中學與設計學生生涯，我變得比以前更好更強了，我成功令以前所有看不起我的人，特別是看不起我家人的親戚，全都對我另眼相看，我成功了，我沾沾自喜過一秒鐘，我得了一刻的滿足感。
然後，我只覺得很失落。
了解到自身陰暗面的那一剎，差點就完全否定自己。不難想到，為什麼自己在讀設計的那兩個年頭裡，會與所有人保持距離，盡力不被發覺，把心緋緊閉，以致沒有與任何一個人產生過什麼深厚的友誼關係（是有一位，卻是中途離開了的人，反而建立到好關係。），歸根究底，那是我從一開始就不斷拒絕別人，因為我怕，怕再被陌生的人杯葛欺凌。
我不快樂，大概是源自對新的社交圈子都出現了疏離感，會那麼渴望抽出時間去見中學時代朋友，大概是因為我知道他們會原諒我，不會攻擊我，讓我可以很放心地，沒有任何戒心地，放縱享樂。我知道這樣下去不行，我不能只留在自己的樂園，我是需要走出去認識更多人的，可是，直到現在，我還是做不到。我早就對不起他們。
努力，我自身最醜陋的美德，究竟會不會有化成真正的美德的一天呢。
tracy says:
又轉牛角尖啦你…
一個人變強總會有佢既原因，而過程都總係痛苦既。唔係個個人都可以天生有一個良好既環境令佢健康咁變強。
只要能夠變強而又保持善良既心咪得囉，不如唔好用醜陋既美德黎形容，用溫柔既報復會唔會正面d呢？
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