November 16th, 2006

LIE

Posted in 記憶 by renatus

為了一件很普通的事撒了謊,還是個會傷害人的謊。

不肯被拆穿,明知道是自己不對,但仍然妄想砌詞蒙混過關,話說出口的下一秒鐘已經在後悔了,但還是虛偽得咧嘴假笑著離去。我實在為自己的笑感到噁心無比。曾以為自己已經足夠堅強了,活了二十有一年,還以為自己成長了許多,已經懂得承擔,也學會背負。誰想到自己不過是為了一件雞毛蒜皮的事,就把一切是非黑白通通拋諸腦後。

觀照自己,原來是個如此懦弱不愖的傢伙。

想起來,其實我也很少在人前坦率自己。儘管我對多數的事情都是直言無諱的,但只要涉及自身的陰暗面.我總會拚命否認,拚命隱藏。因為自己曉得自己有多糟糕,有多差勁,那是連自己也無法接受的,更惶論別人可以接受自己。故此,我最害怕被拆穿的,或許並不是這件事,而是真實的自己。

我實在很討厭自己。

最後我是有把真相告訴當時人的。大概是想為自己的謊話負上責任…不,「負責」好像很動聽吧,而我所用的途徑卻是毫無誠意可言的SMS。

一直以來,看了不少素黑的書,故此我是明白自愛有多重要的。可是面對如此不愖的自己,又教我如何能談得上自愛呢?

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